Conscious Committment
Written by Johnathan
Wellwood
Page 1 of 5
Genuine commitment involves much more than
simply staying together. It is based neither on "shoulds,"
which create external obligations and eventual rebellion,
nor on idealistic hopes, which can leave couples unprepared
to deal with real-life difficulties. The essence of a living
commitment is two people's devotion to their mutual
unfolding. The basis for this kind of devotion is an
underlying commitment within each individual to open more
fully to life. In former times, commitment was defined and
imposed on a couple by family and society. However, now that
external pressures are no longer enough to keep most couples
together, a more conscious approach is called for. Instead
of starting out as a promise "till death do us part"-spoken
at the marriage altar, a commitment that is conscious
develops gradually, evolving out of a relationship that has
successfully navigated its way through many difficult
passages. Initially, two partners cannot be sure just what
they are doing together or how far their relationship can
go. Yet, through testing the power of their connection-the
depth of their love and their capacity to handle its
challenges-they can become clearer about its place in their
lives, and thus honor and affirm it more wholeheartedly.
Such a commitment is awake and alive. Unlike something
manufactured out of duty, hope, or preconceived ideas, it
emerges organically from the relationship's own ripening.
And it is full of passion, freshness, and spontaneity ...
the very juice of love.
Steps toward a Conscious Commitment
The following steps are suggested not to propose yet another
prescription for achieving perfect harmony, but rather to
encourage a careful consideration of how commitment can
evolve more consciously.
* Making a genuine connection. The ground of a strong and
lasting commitment is a passionate connection between two
people whose beings say yes to each other. When two people
connect being to being, they experience a deep "soul
resonance" that goes beyond mere romance or desire.
Something powerful and real inside them starts waking up and
coming alive in each other's presence. It often comes
as a surprise, for they cannot reason themselves into it or
out
of it.
Although this resonance seems to arise mysteriously out of
nowhere, it may be understood quite simply. just as the body
of a guitar amplifies and enriches the vibration of the
strings to produce a full, rich musical sound, so does the
resonance between two beings amplify and enrich the
qualities of each one. This kind of "soul connection"
is much more sustaining than the attraction to personality
or personal attributes. Out of this passionate resonance
grows a devotion to each other's well-being.
* Testing the
connection. The deeper a soul connection is, the more it
brings out the best and the worst in us. Along with our
openheartedness, we begin to experience our deepest fears,
insecurities, and resistances to intimacy.
We may become more emotional, jealous, or unreasonable than we had ever
thought possible. We may discover new intensities of terror. We may recoil in horror at
all the hard, tight places we come up against inside ourselves. And we may seriously doubt
whether we have what it takes to make a go of relationship at all. Real intimacy, in
short, brings up our unfinished business-all the rough edges that still need to be
developed, refined, and polished.
Such experiences provide a way of testing ourselves and our relationship. Can we handle
the disappointment of realizing that we can never be everything to each other? That we can
never meet all of each other's needs? Can we include the thunderstorms along with the
sweetness and love? Does our relationship depend on a limited set of roles, or can we make
room for all our different sides?
The main question facing a couple as they come up against their rough edges is
this: Can we work with whatever arises between us, no matter how demanding it
may be, and include that as part of our path together? Working with whatever arises means
facing it and meeting it with our attention and concern, so that we can find a way to move
through it. If we cannot do this, we can never be fully present in the relationship, and
thus never fully committed. Certainly, one or both partners will want to run away from
difficulties at times. That is
to be expected. In working with their differences, couples can also expect to
experience moments of intense frustration with each other and even the desire
to give up. The important question is not whether we sometimes go away, but
whether we come back. What keeps a relationship moving forward is our intention to face
what is happening.
* Forging a container. In working with what comes up between them, two partners discover
just how large their relationship can be. Is it a narrow box that they must squeeze
themselves into? Or is it a spacious vessel that can accommodate all the different parts
of both people? Only a sufficiently large container can encompass all of who we are.
Forging a strong, healthy container involves learning to accommodate all the feelings that
arise in relationship. Even if we do not like our feelings, we can learn to make a
friendly space for them instead of ignoring or criticizing them. This means giving
ourselves permission to feel what we feel, and doing the same for our partner.
Another way to accommodate feelings is to work out a balance between containment and
expression. Impulsively venting emotions simply because we are uncomfortable holding them
will eventually overwhelm our partner and shut down communication. Instead, we can learn
to consciously contain these feelings by bringing attention to them, giving them space,
and seeing what they have to tell us. Equally limiting is the tendency to withdraw
inwardly every time something hurts or makes us angry. When we withhold feelings, we close
off entire areas of interaction. Our work then involves learning to open up and become
more expressive.
A major obstacle to accommodating difficult feelings is the belief that we should not have
them in the first place. For example, Peter had trouble acknowledging the anxiety he felt
about the arrival of his firstborn child. For weeks, he fought off his fears because they
contradicted his image of How
a Real Man Should Be.
He also wondered whether his wife would still love him
if he revealed just how upset he was. As we began working together, Peter made
space for his feeling of "I can't handle this," and thus relieved some of the
pressure, allowing him to consider what was really going on. More feelings soon surfaced,
as did important information: he was feeling neglected by his wife and needed to take
better care of himself as well.
Still, he did not discuss the situation with his wife right away. Had blurted out his raw
feelings ("I'm upset and want to get away. I hate that you're spending so much time
with the baby ..... ), he might only have put Diane on the defensive. Instead, he
did the inner work of connecting with his feelings,
caring for them, and giving them space. By containing his feelings in this way, he got to
know them better, and was soon able to express himself clearly and skillfully: "I've
been having a hard time wondering whether I can handle all this, and that scares me. I
want to be a good husband and father, but I'm really feeling stressed out. And I'm
concerned about how little meaningful time we have together anymore."
continue reading
message
boards
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)
;)